I’m Competitive

I was born this way. I can’t help it. Second place is the first loser. And I’m only half joking when I say that.

I’m also slower than molasses in January. Seriously. Slow with a capital S. People say a fifteen minute mile is a brisk walk, but for me, it’s a jog. I am not kidding. While I may have a need for it, my body was not built for speed. At least not on foot.

I suppose it’s these two facts together that have combined to make me loathe running for most of my life. I cannot both run and be competitive. Because the only person to whom my pace is competition are those who have not yet learned to walk. And even then, I’ve seen some pretty fast 6 month old crawlers out there.

A few years ago I started running during a particularly dark time in my life. I didn’t time myself and there was no one else around. Just me, my shoes, the earth and the bruises I imagined I was leaving behind. I literally pounded the ground. And I literally fell in love.

Now, dark times well in the past and the love still strong, I want to run races. In August, I have the opportunity to run a 5k in Central Park. This could be, for a small-town mid-western girl, a once in a life time chance. I intend to take it, but I’m not going to lie. Every day when I log onto my dailymile.com account to record my workout and check in with friends who have done the same I become increasingly frustrated.

I am slow and I’m not sure I am physically capable of ever being fast. Or even significantly faster. I love the supportive atmosphere among runners and walkers. I love that it’s a race against the clock, not one another. I love that it’s the one thing I’ve been able to do without worrying about the competition. But in a way, I hate that I never measure up. I’m always at the back of the pack no matter how hard I work at it.

I know I need to abandon these thoughts, banish these feelings and just keep improving my personal best time. But today, just for this minute, I’m struggling with that. Really struggling.

Tagged as: Exercise, Running, Workout